Marriage. I sigh as I even try and wrap my mind around the thought of it all. And with these few short words, I am already mentally exhausted.
Society has taught us so many lessons about marriage. Yes, its a piece of paper. Yes, it locks you down to someone for life. And sometimes I really question whether I want that. I think the part of me that is interested in proving to other people that I am fully capable of healthy, commited, and honest love wants to get married. But the part of me that doesn’t want to cause problems for anyone wants no parts in it. Ever. It’s been 3 years I have been with this lovely man of mine. I complain much and I am sure he does the same. But he really is lovely. They say you don’t even truly know someone till you have been with them for a couple years. That’s quite true for us. We are still learning things about ourselves even after being together for this long, having a child that’s almost 2, a blended family and more. We are still coming to the part of the relationship where WE are able to sit back and be our crazy selves.
The part of me that wants no problems craves peace. I love peace… or at least that part of me does. It’s that part of me that I am working on. As you will know if you have been following my site for any length of time and have read my work; I do not associate with my mother in the manner that many daughters do. I can’t. I. CANNOT. DO. IT. God has helped me through my resilient child-like love for this woman and time and time again I will get shot down. To just sit in a corner by myself for days drenched in self-hate, pity and despair. The only corner that I crawl into though is the part of my life that I have worked hard enough to iron out. And by bringing my self-hate drenched self to that corner of my life, I basically shit on everything that was quiet and peaceful. Only to start the healing process all over again. I AM OK. I am more than enough for my children. And I am more than enough for my boyfriend. Why is it that I am not feeling like I am enough for me?
Unfortunately that is how the ailing perils of time work.
She won’t come to my wedding, if I ever do get married. And neither will her husband. I want my white roses in my bouquet to mean something. And the book definition is peace… innocence…purity…sympathy…spirituality. All of the things you are trying to encompass on your day. Peace in knowing that you are connecting and solidifying a bond between you and the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Innocence in knowing that this is a new experience for you with this person, at this time, this place, etc. You see where I’m going with this right?
I have figured that with her at something that would mean so much to me such as a wedding, I couldn’t enjoy the meanings of the white roses that I love so much. It would be devastating to me. The meaning of a white rose would be everything to me. And she isn’t… everything to me or the meaning of a white rose. Love is. Everything to me and the meaning of a white rose.