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In Indie, Playlists on
March 29, 2017

March- Playlist #2

Ok, so I have totally figured out that the around the 12th and 27th of every month is when you can expect new playlists. Generally, I wont repeat songs either. Follow me on Spotify (@edkdolce) for more playlists. So this week is another Indie Playlist. 15 awesome songs, so lets get started…

  1. Big Data- “Dangerous ft Joywave”
  2. The Black Keys- “Everlasting Light”
  3. Marian Hill- “One Time”
  4. Capital Cities- “Safe & Sound”
  5. Electric Guest- “Head I Hold”
  6. Santigold- “L.E.S. Artistes”
  7. Passion Pit- “To Kingdom Come”
  8. Daft Punk- “Doin’ it Right”
  9. Max Frost- “Withdrawal”
  10. DMB- “American Baby”
  11. Saint Motel- “My Type”
  12. Matt Simons- “Catch & Release (Deepend Remix)”
  13. M83- “Where the Boats Go”
  14. Daft Punk- “Instant Crush”
  15. Passion Pit- “Sleepyhead”

 

** Also, I am totally obsessed with Glen Hansard. Especially “High Hope”… His voice is just amazing. Its the perfect song to just chill to. Have a great week guys!!!

 

 

In Indie, Playlists on
March 12, 2017

March- Playlist #1

 

 

I am obsessed with cool, relaxing music that is going to manifest peace. I am all about it. This is a very chill playlist. It will induce foot tapping I am sure of it. I am going to share with you some of my favorite songs from the Indie/Soul Genre I love so much. This is my March Playlist #1. I will have another one in a couple weeks. Enjoy!

 

 

  1. Santigold- “Lights Out”
  2. Chet Faker- “No Diggity”
  3. Daft Punk- “Get Lucky”
  4. Daft Punk- “Give life back to music”
  5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs- “Maps”
  6. Haim- “Don’t Save Me”
  7. Foster the People- “Houdini”
  8. Quadron- “Favorite Star”
  9. Goapele- “Closer”
  10. RY X- “Howling”
  11. The Postal Service- “Such Great Heights”
  12. Kaytranada- “Drive me Crazy (feat. Vic Mensa)
  13. M83- “Midnight City”
  14. Møme- “Aloha (feat. Merryn Jeann)
  15. Chromeo- “I Ain’t With It”

Be Well,

Elle

 

 

In About on
March 11, 2017

Cooking with me…

Nana used to love her cast-iron pots and pans. It was something of a treasure to her. There was such care taken for her dutch oven and her 13 inch pan and her 9 inch. Knowing that there is a 13 and 9 inch pan in the world of cooking sat in the back of my mind for a very long time. She always used the olive oil that was in the tin. Bertoli and such. The shit that costs some serious MONEY. Sometimes it was stuff we couldn’t even pronounce. She was serious about her Olive Oil. The knot that sits in the back of my throat now is because I can still see the red tiles in her kitchen. I can still see the old fashion Cast Iron sink. No kidding. The oil would be in the pan and you could smell it from everywhere in the house. She would have her apron on and stirring the cornbread mixture with what looked to be a new coat of this deep-burgundy Revlon polish on her long oval shaped nails. Silver rings lined her fingers. I just remember standing next to the stove and even though she told me to move, I still felt compelled to stand there. And I did. “Move Lonnie, I don’t want to burn you.” Little did I know, I got burned. On my foot there is a super light spot to this day and thats from the hot grease popping. She used to call it Hot Water Cornbread.  What a magnificent flavor. Especially since she would only use new oil to fry the golden-colored cakes in. Nothing else was good enough. They had to taste pure and she made sure of that. I feel a certain emptiness to this day because all i remember is that recipe being in a black long rectangular cookbook. But it never was found…

My innate infatuation with cooking came with my role in a previous relationship of mine. I was cooking dinner every night. This is before Pinterest was even introduced to me to the heaven they unveil on my eyes every single time I open the app on my phone. I was so intrigued by the endless possibilities. It was so very calming to me to stand in that kitchen and cook. Never mind that I was cooking for someone else. It was the fact that I was learning something. And it turned out that I was genuinely good at it!! So as the years passed I taught myself the basics of cooking and dove into learning more about how far this newfound passion could take me.

It really all started in 2008. Now don’t get me wrong, I was cooking before then. But not to the capacity I took myself to after 2008. In the past 9 years I have taught myself so much and there isn’t much that I don’t know how to cook. Give me a recipe and I will make it my own and take it from there. I have memorized my signature Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe and will take it to my grave. It truly is the holy grail of cookies. I know secrets. I know tips. I know tricks. I know something….

I never thought that I would feel about Baking and Cooking like I do. But it has taken me by storm. Being able to cook is a beautiful thing to me. It is something that I am so very passionate about. Every time I cook something that I love, a part of me wishes I could share it with my Grandmother. She would love my homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies.

 

On here, you can expect to find some of my favorite recipes, cooking/baking tips and more! I just wish someone had taken the time to give me a condensed “know-how” when it comes to cooking or baking because it would have been quite useful to me.

 

In About, Motherhood, Personal on
March 11, 2017

Why don’t you become…

Talent is something I don’t ever run short of. I am ridiculously talented. I have always believed that you have to tell yourself that as a mantra to manifest confidence. It took me such a long time to relay this level of confidence and assurance to myself. I was a little bit too concerned with what people thought of me, my lifestyle, my attitude etc. As I approach 30, I can tell you that I couldn’t give any fucks at all about other people’s opinion of me. I am who I am. Unique AF.

It was an unfortunate past relationship that had me wondering where the hell my life was headed. I felt as if my personality was suffocated during this time and everything revolved around this person. I started losing myself. And eventually lost him… but to this day I can’t say I regret losing him or the relationship. I DON’T CARE. In order for you to get to where I am at with truly being “self-centered” (centered on yourself is not a crime people), you have some serious work to put in. Start making time for yourself.

It wasn’t until a person I had met once or twice had approached me and said “I follow your blog Elle, why don’t you do that as a career? Like why don’t you get a degree in that?”

I replied: “Hello____. Glad to see you are doing well. Um… If I wanted to do that, I would. I like Nursing for completely different reasons, and make my choice to do Nursing and my blog solely based on what I want. But thanks.”

The audacity of some people. I wanted to say “Why don’t you leave me the hell alone?” or even a simple “None of your business.” But professionalism is best served with a side of sarcasm and attitude. I delivered my speech to that person as I wanted. And to this day I have asked myself the same question but never doubting where I want to go with my life. It amazes me the inquisitive nature of some people.

There are always going to be people who say “Why don’t you become _______”, or “Why don’t you do _______.” Please pay no attention to those people. They are surely curious. Be confident in what you are choosing for yourself. You are the only person who can change yourself.

As for me, I will continue to do Photography, Blogging, Vlogging, Makeup, Nursing, Writing, Baking, Cooking, and even the occasional pumping of my own gas. 🙂 But seriously, Live your life the way you want.

 

Be Well,

Elle

 

In About on
March 11, 2017

The Meaning of a White Rose

 

Marriage. I sigh as I even try and wrap my mind around the thought of it all. And with these few short words, I am already mentally exhausted.

 

Society has taught us so many lessons about marriage. Yes, its a piece of paper. Yes, it locks you down to someone for life. And sometimes I really question whether I want that. I think the part of me that is interested in proving to other people that I am fully capable of healthy, commited, and honest love wants to get married. But the part of me that doesn’t want to cause problems for anyone wants no parts in it. Ever. It’s been 3 years I have been with this lovely man of mine. I complain much and I am sure he does the same. But he really is lovely. They say you don’t even truly know someone till you have been with them for a couple years. That’s quite true for us. We are still learning things about ourselves even after being together for this long, having a child that’s almost 2, a blended family and more. We are still coming to the part of the relationship where WE are able to sit back and be our crazy selves.

The part of me that wants no problems craves peace. I love peace… or at least that part of me does. It’s that part of me that I am working on. As you will know if you have been following my site for any length of time and have read my work; I do not associate with my mother in the manner that many daughters do. I can’t. I. CANNOT. DO. IT. God has helped me through my resilient child-like love for this woman and time and time again I will get shot down. To just sit in a corner by myself for days drenched in self-hate, pity and despair. The only corner that I crawl into though is the part of my life that I have worked hard enough to iron out. And by bringing my self-hate drenched self to that corner of my life, I basically shit on everything that was quiet and peaceful. Only to start the healing process all over again. I AM OK.  I am more than enough for my children. And I am more than enough for my boyfriend. Why is it that I am not feeling like I am enough for me?

Unfortunately that is how the ailing perils of time work.

She won’t come to my wedding, if I ever do get married. And neither will her husband. I want my white roses in my bouquet to mean something. And the book definition is peace… innocence…purity…sympathy…spirituality. All of the things you are trying to encompass on your day. Peace in knowing that you are connecting and solidifying a bond between you and the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with. Innocence in knowing that this is a new experience for you with this person, at this time, this place, etc. You see where I’m going with this right?

 

I have figured that with her at something that would mean so much to me such as a wedding, I couldn’t enjoy the meanings of the white roses that I love so much. It would be devastating to me. The meaning of a white rose would be everything to me. And she isn’t… everything to me or the meaning of a white rose. Love is. Everything to me and the meaning of a white rose.

 

In About, Lifestyle, Personal on
January 18, 2017

Unraveled

 

 

I always assumed that pain was a part of life. I mean, when you go to the dentist they offer the option to numb the pain. Who really says “No thanks!! I wont take the Lidocaine today!” I tend to be hurt by the things I cannot change.

It was such a gloomy boring day for me. My mom was getting married. I remember my look on my face in the prison photo she has of all of us standing there. I was the only one without a smile. That day there wasn’t one to be found. My heart hurts when I think about why I was given this life with all of the struggles in it. And when I told people, they would always say

“Go write a book!”

As if that’s the easiest thing in the world to do. And do I have the patience to sit and do that? The answer was of course hell no at the time, but now I am looking at it differently. My grandmother died in 2005. On December 31. I am numb on Christmas Eve. She took care of my brother and I when my mother lost custody of us. But even with her, she was always on my ass about something. Always riding my ass. I mean, I just could not get a break. My brother was a kiss ass on the other hand and was treated as such. So when I turned old enough to go live with my mom I jumped. I mean, what teenager wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to go live with a parent that didn’t really keep an eye on you? This was back in the AOL Dial-Up Internet days. When chat rooms were so cool. To think that there were probably 42 year old creeps behind the screens. So I packed my things and went to go live with my mom. It felt like freedom. I guess it felt like love too. I don’t think about it now without tears coming. That was really all I wanted from that woman. Was real, honest love.

When she met her husband (to whom she is still married to), we were the first to know his credentials. Which were not impressive by any means. He was in prison for murder. Cold blooded murder. Ahhh, our stomachs were turned the fuck out. We “liked” him because we didn’t really have a choice. She kind of forced it on us. And even when we lived with her when she moved to live closer to the prison he was in, she would try and get us to go on what they like to call “trailers” (visits that prisoners can get with their families and the family stays in the “trailer”. It could be a dorm type of room too). I never went. I was scared.  She would try and ground us if we didn’t go. That shit was not flying with me.

My beauty had a jump around 17 and 18. Always got attention. Tall, long legs, yellow-boned, long hair… I had it going on. And so her husband would make some really disrespectful comments sometimes. I could never understand why. I can’t say that I was naive I just didn’t think it would happen to me. I remember one day she came and talked to me about her husband wanting her to start a “photography” business. I was always into photography. But this wasn’t the click and send to a gallery type of photography. She was talking about taking pictures of us (My sister and I). My sister was 15 at the time. I was 17. I was floored. What? What? Whatttttt???? My answer was no. Even when she tried to hook me up with another prisoner there. My answer was no. My sister has always been gifted. A kind heart for sure. Too kind. And she’s unaware of the ways of the world so her mind has always been a couple steps behind. When my mom asked her she obliged… To anything she asked. I felt the guilt. I knew what it was like to be controlled by this woman. Hell, being the oldest of 6; I knew her better than anyone. But how could she? How could she do that to her daughter?

It came time for another trailer and my mom asked my sister if she was going to go. To which she said yes. I never had good feelings about these bullshit “visits”. It later came out, when we were grown and on our own that something happened to my sister. See, to understand where the story is headed, you have to understand where it began…

My mother has an amazing voice. And the story is that she had a full scholarship to Juliard contingent on her graduating high school. She had dreams of being an Opera singer. Those dreams never became a reality because she got pregnant at 17 with me. The spiral was all downhill from there. Drugs were appealing to most people back then and she was no exception. They began to consume her life. And so she lost custody of me when I was almost 2. She never regained it from there. And I don’t believe she ever really tried. My grandmother told us at a very young age about my mother’s mental illness. With my grandmother having a degree in Psychology, it was something that she was familiar with. Schizophrenia. I remember the word being a very long one. Being a Spelling Bee champ, even I had some difficulty with it when I first tried to say it. Nana was forthcoming with the description of Schizophrenia. I remember “Multiple Personalities” being one of the key points. Her explanation for that fit my mom’s behavior to a T. Her radical ups and downs. And it seemed like she would just “switch.” The switching wasn’t discreet that’s for sure. It was very noticeable. I always felt ashamed of the way my mother would act sometimes. So ashamed… I hated going out in public with her. I hated when she would talk to us in that horrible way. It was all a mess. One thing I can say is that nothing is as it seems with that woman. She will say one thing and mean another. Which is why when she came into my room that night and said “Lonnie, I need to talk to you”, I was apprehensive. The talk surfaced and concerned a trailer that she had just gotten off of and my sister had gone on. “She wants to fuck my husband and I am not having it! That is so disgusting. She acts like a little whore. My husband wanted to try something with her but he said she was too fat for him.”

By now your mind is reeling right? You read right. “So you’re saying your husband was going to have sex with her?”

“No”, she stated with firm irritation. “She was coming onto him and he refused.” From there I just wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible. I was disgusted. I’m pretty sure I just dismissed her entirely (as usual) and went about my business.

Now, this conversation transpired over 10 years ago. But my mind put something together. I remember all the times my mom would be like “Night, I am going to bed.” and we would sneak out of the house. She was heavily medicated and on sleeping pills which would knock her the fuck out. To the point you could shake her and she wasn’t waking. So in some cases… if you have a script for a medication, you can take that medication on a trailer with you so long as it’s in the original bottle and you have the pamphlet that shows the photograph of the pill. Well… I thought to myself a couple years ago, “If she was knocked out like that when she’s sleeping how does she know her husband didn’t do anything to my sister while my mom was sleeping?” This was especially a possibility after going through what I went through with his creepiness. I always maintained a level of IDGAF when it came to her and her husband. But I didn’t believe what she said about my sister. When I asked my sister she denied it and I would just tell her that if she needed to talk then I was here.

If she needed to talk. Those few words have burned a hole in my soul ever since.

My phone number hasn’t changed in so long. Which is a good thing. Shows stability right? Not always. In this case it showed vulnerability. The phone call that I got was nowhere near the type of call I wanted. The conversation was heavy, sticky, and dark. It was him. Her husband. Let’s fast forward to the part that matters. The rest is filler and will be in another segment.  “Have you ever fantasized about someone and never been able to tell them?”

“No” I said

“Well what would you do if you did? Would you tell them?”

“Huh?” I said. I really had no fucking idea what this moron was talking about.

“Well I am the type to be blunt and tell it like it is. I’m not going to beat around the bush. I have fantasized about you ever since I met you.”

Those words were like little knives in my skin. I was 13 when he met me. T H I R T E E N.  “Don’t ever call me again. Lose my number. I don’t ever want anything to do with you.” That red button to end the call couldn’t be pressed quick enough. My heart sank. I felt violated. Alone. Ashamed.

The conversation with my mom went the way that most conversations go when girls come to their mom and say that their husband has touched, fantasized or violated them. I mean, think about it… How many stories have you heard where the mom was supportive, strong and took her daughters side and divorced the sick fuck? Hardly ever. I will never forget the words that came out of her mouth… “Well, I don’t know what he said because I wasn’t there. He said he didn’t say that and I believe my husband. He wouldn’t do something like that. Why would he be interested in you anyways?!”

Well my sentiments exactly. I felt like I lost 2000 brain cells after talking with her about this. She was so oblivious. The conversation stopped there. Forward to now, I got a phone call from her. She was asking about my kids and wondering how they were doing (pretending to care). I told her they are fine. She said “I wish I could move up there and help you but my husband said he doesn’t want to deal with any drama”

“What are you talking about drama ?”

“Well the stuff with the letter.”

“What letter? Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You know, when you wrote that letter to him.”

“Well it wasn’t a letter at all, so lets get rid of that idea. And it was when he called me and told me he has fantasized about me since he met me.”

“Well either way, he said he doesn’t want any drama. He would never come right out and say that I couldn’t move up there but I just know he doesn’t want any drama. You know? I wasn’t there to see or hear anything so I don’t know what was said.”

I couldn’t get off that phone and end that conversation soon enough. Typical response. Typical reaction

 

I said goodbye. I think I meant it this time. I want that word to mean something to me. And as long as I continue to allow to be treated like shit by her and her husband, “goodbye” will always be a temporary end to a conversation. I want it to be permanent.

 

 

 

 

In About on
December 2, 2016

Failure

“Failure isn’t fatal but failure to change might be. ”

Change can be good. I sat in my chair anxious about the weekend…laundry, DIY’s, Study, Groceries… the list seemed endless. Shit. I forgot that I had to wake my daughter up. Fail. I looked at my phone and it was like she felt my communication with her. “Mommy? I’m sorry I woke up late” she texted me. A cell phone… since 8 years old. What a blessing it’s been to me. Aside from the dumb ass comments people love to make about an 8 year old having a cell phone, it’s been wonderful in quick-set situations.  “Ok. We make mistakes. It happens. It’s ok. Let’s get you to school” Better late than never was the attitude I felt but I didn’t want to let her know that. I want her to change her habit of not setting her alarm so that she succeeds at getting up on her own. But with Orchestra and Theatre and being a 4th grader she’s consumed with everything and then some. I thought of the response I had to her being late. I might have been pissed about this had it happened months ago.. but I wasn’t all that mad today. I was like ehh.. ok. My day continued. But I couldn’t get out of my mind how much I felt like I had matured. My response was that of warmth and concern. I want her to understand that we are human and going to make mistakes like not waking up on time. But we then need to re-evaluate and make the changes necessary so that failure doesn’t become fatal. And from that alone I knew she understood. 

So… 

Are you making the changes necessary so that failure doesn’t become fatal?

In About on
November 28, 2016

Center Yourself

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” –Aldous Huxley

In most cases, people are extremely unaware of the impact they can have on someone. I am guilty of this myself. But more often than not, we should think about the realms to which we exist. Where do we go from here? What can we do? Think of these things the next time you bite the hand that feeds you for example.

A common practice is that of being vindictive to another human being. Why? Why are you even wasting your time? Let the universe and karma take its course and see what happens. I am a firm believer that if you step back from a situation that you want to react with vindictiveness, and dont insert yourself, you will see the “karma” come. It may not come in a day, a month or a year. But it will come. We all pay for what we do to another person in one form or another.

In my own personal experience, I thought that by loaning a friend money (that I barely had, and was a single parent at the time) I was helping out a friend. That “sure no problem” would be honored with my money being repaid to me. It was a substantial amount of money too. If it was $50… that’s not really a big deal. But I am talking 6 times that amount. BIG DEAL!!  That was 4 years ago. I haven’t seen one cent. The biggest thing with me being your friend is that if you are a true friend of mine, I will try my hardest to do right by you. Sure, we don’t want to see our friends suffer but if someone helps you out please pay it forward. I guess I considered myself to be “petty” for a little while and then I was like no, I am not being petty. I am being real. I am just feeling what any normal person would feel. Monthly payments? Nope. Pay when taxes come? Nope. This is something that at this point in time, I am learning to let go. I have learned to not let people “borrow” anything from me. Money or otherwise. A friend of mine told me (a year after this ordeal happened) that you can always tell the state of mind and lifestyle someone is living by their actions. In other words. I was being asked for money. And if someone goes around asking people for money all the time, then you should think twice about their life and wonder why. We all have ups and downs but doing the right thing (in life and by people) will bring good karma, and we will continue to be prosperous more than we will continue to suffer. But once you roll the ball of suffering, it is a down hill battle from there and it is very hard to stop that motion.

Improve yourself guys. Look deep inside you and think “What can I fix with ME?”

Until a later time…

In Personal on
November 15, 2016

Be at peace with yourself…

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” -Romans 12:18

 

I found this quote today. I correct myself, I think the quote found me. It has been so difficult to adjust to the new way of thinking that promotes peace in your life. Peace in your life is so hard to find, and even harder to keep.

People always say “I don’t want drama”… if you have to make that statement, you more than likely enjoy having drama in your life. I do not feel the need to tell someone that I do not want drama. You can see it. My actions speak to it.

I truly believe if in the mind of someone that is unhappy with themselves or their lives; they believe that they are doing all the right things by “hating” on you and what you are doing. Why is what someone else does so much of our business? Why do we care so much? Why not just worry about what you have going on? It’s too easy to do that. I feel honored when someone decides to talk negatively about me. That means I am renting space in your head, and I welcome that. But it is much healthier to worry about yourself.


I am so excited about this journey of peace that I am on. Everything you do doesn’t need a reaction. It just doesn’t. I no longer want to do things that please other people. I want to be pleased with myself. I want myself to feel like MY SELF. There is your quote of the day from me… “I want myself to be MY SELF.” I believe in manifestation. I truly believe that if you want something to happen you must work to make it happen.